We all have a personal relationship with food, though the whole concept of “having a relationship with food” can feel foreign and confusing, especially if you have never thought about food as something that you can relate to. With that said, your relationship with food is unique to you. It is the result of a multitude of factors. Factors that include culture, environment, trauma, upbringing, personality, and more.

Thus, the first season of Triad Warriors will be spent discussing these concepts. In season 1, we are going to be defining the concept of “having a relationship with food.” In addition, we will be looking at the Enneagram and discussing the ways in which personality affects one’s relationship with food. Ultimately, the goal of this first season is to hear from a variety of different experiences and perspectives, which is exactly why we will be interviewing 9 different women and men throughout this season, each with a different Enneagram Type. But first, let’s start with an overview.

WHAT EXACTLY IS A RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD?

What exactly IS a relationship with food?

Well, to define this concept let’s start by looking at the term “relationship.” 

What IS a relationship?

By definition, a relationship is “the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected.” A relationship is “the state of being connected” in some way or another. We all have relationships. We have relationships with our parents, our siblings, our extended families, our friends, our coworkers, our peers… so on and so forth. Moreover, we have a DIVERSITY of relationships. Some of our relationships are healthy and fruitful; they build us up and help us to grow. Some relationships are filled with kindness, compassion, and love. These are the relationships that give us life. However, other relationships are unhealthy and harmful. Other relationships tear us down and cause us deep pain. Other relationships are filled with guilt, shame, and anxiety. Relationships are what connect us. Relationships are what create and define the interactions and dynamics between two individuals.

In the same way, our relationship with food creates and defines our interactions with food. For some of us, our relationship with food can feel rather transactional. Food can feel like a utilitarian substance, which merely provides the calories and nutrients that our bodies need to survive. For some of us, our relationship with food is devoid of pleasure and filled with practicality. In contrast, others of us experience food in a much more playful way. For others, food is fun; food is purely pleasure and the “nutrition” side of eating is often a second (or even third or fourth) thought. 

For many, food can also be a source of shame and guilt. For many, your relationship with food is filled with judgment, restriction, and control. Your relationship with food is hostile and chaotic. You label foods as good and bad and you restrict until you cannot bear to restrict any longer, which then leads to a binge and/or what feels like an uncontrollable urge to devour everything in sight. This of course then leads to disappointment and a sense of failure, which results in more restriction, more shame, more guilt, and more hopelessness.

In the same way that our relationships with other humans can feel quite difficult, messy, and complicated, our relationship with food can also feel difficult, messy, and complicated. This is especially true if you have a history of dieting or disordered eating.

With that said, the way in which we relate to food plays a major role in our lived human experience. As we discussed last month, the way in which we relate to food impacts the way in which we relate to ourselves, others, and the world. Think about it, food is such a large part of life. Food is a part of culture and tradition. Food is celebratory and it is comforting. Food appears at social gathering and events of all kinds. Food plays many roles in our lives and, unlike other relationships, our relationship with food is not something which we can escape.

We need food. 

Thus, I have said it before, and I will say it a million times over… how we relate to food matters.

Ok, so now that we have established WHAT we are talking about when we talk about a “relationship with food,” let’s talk a little about the components that make up our relationship with food, because there are MANY factors which play into the ways in which we relate to food. But rather than going into each factor (which would take us hours upon hours), I am going to group these factors into 3 categories of influence:

• Cognitive
• Affective (or emotional), and
• Behavioral

COGNITIVE

Let’s begin by talking about the cognitive influences in your relationship with food or, in other words, “what you think about food.” More specifically, “what you think that food can DO to and for you.”

Ultimately, food DOES a lot of things for us.

For one, food provides our bodies with the nutrients that we need to not only survive, but also to thrive. Food provides macronutrients and micronutrients, which are the necessary ingredients for energy production and organ function. Food provides carbohydrates, which is the body’s primary source of energy. Further, carbohydrates are beneficial for heart health and digestive health. Carbohydrates (namely fiber) help to stabilize blood sugar and can provide quick bursts of energy.

In addition, proteins and fats DO a lot for us. Proteins are the primary building blocks of the body. They aid in recovery, promote muscle growth, promote alertness, and support immunity. Likewise, fats are the building blocks for hormones. Fats provide the body with energy and regulate they body’s inflammatory response.

Evidently, food DOES a lot for us from a physical standpoint.

However, we also live in a culture that likes to demonize specific foods. We live in a culture that treats certain bodies with respect, and other bodies with disrespect. We live a culture that constantly tells us to eat less and shrink. This can really complicate the way in which we THINK about food. I mean, how many of you have heard at least one of the following statements…

• “Don’t eat fruit, because that will make you gain weight.”
• “Don’t eat gluten, because that will also make you gain weight.”
• “While you are at it, just don’t eat any grains, legumes, or dairy because those cause inflammation and inflammation will… make you gain weight.”
• “Heck, just don’t eat any carbs at all because carbs are the devil and Keto is best.”
• “But be careful because fat will make you gain weight, and it clogs your arteries.”
• “Oh, and too much protein will kill your kidneys.”
• “Basically… eat low calories, but not too low because starvation mode exists and… starvation mode will make you gain weight.”

When did eating become so darn complicated? When did food shift from something we need for survival into something that can instantly kill us and needs to be feared? And when did bodyweight and the absence of fat become the symbol of health and a requirement for value? Unfortunately, somewhere along the lines it did, and this is the reality that we live in today. This is also the reality that can make our relationship with food feel so darn complicated and stressful!

Ultimately, food is not something to be feared. It is not something that we need to avoid. Food does not have moral value. In fact, food is just food, and food is meant to be enjoyed! It is meant to be nourishing and satisfying. However, when we BELIEVE that food is dangerous and that our bodies need less food than we need, this causes us to interact with food in a very specific way. This causes us to fall into a restrict, binge, and purge pattern, which then results in what FEELS like an addiction to food but is really a preoccupation created through the denial of one of the most basic human needs: food.

We will get into the emotional and behavioral pieces in a second, but first, it is important to understand that what you THINK about food and what you THINK that food will do to and for you has a profound impact on the way in which you relate to food. For example, someone who believes that food is nourishing and without moral value will interact with food in a MUCH different way than someone who believes that food is something that needs to be controlled and feared. Someone who believes in the superiority of a specific diet and/or engages in black and white thinking surrounding food is going to interact with food in a MUCH different way than someone who has made peace with all foods and thinks about food in a neutral, more flexible way.

AFFECTIVE

Ok, so the next category of influence is affective, or “how you feel about food.”

Now, this category may sound like “how you THINK about food,” and the two ARE largely connected. Essentially, cognitive refers to mental functions that deals with knowledge, comprehension, application, analysis, synthesis, and evaluation; and affective refers to mental functions that deal with feelings, emotions, attitudes, motivations, appreciation, etc. We are going to home in on your emotions and attitudes revolving around food. In fact, we ALL experience an emotional reaction to food, and we ALL have specific attitudes towards specific foods (or food in general)—whether this be positive or negative. For example, food provides pleasure… and this is a GOOD thing. In fact—as I mentioned in my last episode—pleasure is one of the primary purposes of eating. Food is a gift, and it is meant to leave us feeling full and satisfied.

Food is also comforting. I mean we all LOVE a good comfort food. A food that takes us back to simpler times; a food that provides nostalgic or sentimental value. Food has a way of satisfying our souls and providing comfort at an emotional level. With that said, emotional eating is something which often gets a bad rep. However, food IS emotional, and that is entirely OK.

In fact, food CAN be a useful coping tool… the problem arises when food becomes your ONLY coping tool because food cannot solve our problems. Nevertheless, food does have a unique ability to provide us with a sense of emotional relief, and there are both biological and psychological reasons for this fact.

With that said, many of us also experience NEGATIVE emotions around food. For many of us, food is a great sense of fear and anxiety. Food is a source of guilt and shame. For many of us, food is a source of discomfort, and a large portion of this discomfort has to do with the ways in which diet culture has TAUGHT us to THINK about food. I mean… none of us were born with an unhealthy relationship with food. In fact, we were all born with the ability to eat intuitively. To eat when we were hungry and stop when we are full. And while eating intuitively has to do with a lot more than just eating when hungry and stopping when full, we do not come into this world with a complicated relationship with food. No, the complications come later.

The complications come as we begin to experience the consequences of a fallen world. The complications come as we begin to watch our parents pick a part their bodies. As we watch our parents hop on diet after diet. The complications come as we catch wind of the “obesity epidemic” and we watch the ways in which fat bodies are treated in this world. When we are placed on our first diet by the age of 8 years old and are told that we need to shrink; to take up less space. The complications come when the toxic message that “smaller bodies are better bodies” is internalized; when the toxic message that food is something to be feared is stored in our psyche; when the toxic message that “we will never be enough” is written on our hearts. 

After only a few years of conditioning in a disordered culture that is obsessed with thinness, food quickly and easily becomes something to be feared. Consequently, this form of trauma surrounding food can create an emotional response from within because food has become about MORE than just food… Heck, food has become about MORE than just our body weights. Food has become the thing which determines whether we are worthy of love… and this hits deep. This impacts the way in which you interact with food.

BEHAVIORAL

Which brings me to my last category, behavioral or, “what you do with food.”

What we do with food is a direct result of what we believe food can do to and for us. What we do with food is a direct result of the thoughts and feelings that we have towards food. For example, food can be used an expression of love. For many, cooking someone a meal or baking someone a cake is a tangible (and edible) expression of one’s love for another. Similarly, food can be used as a replacement of love.

If we believe that food can bring us a sense of comfort (which it can) and we believe that we are not worthy of human love (which is a lie), then food can be used as a replacement for the love and comfort that we desire. Food can become a replacement for the completely NORMAL human desire for comfort.  

Now, I am not saying that food is an EFFECTIVE replacement for the love and comfort we desire. However, I am saying that food is often a safer and more reliable source of love and comfort when we do not have other safe and reliable sources of love and comfort in our lives.  Consequently, emotional eating and comfort eating is not a matter of lacking self-control. These things are not a matter of failing, nor are they even the problem. No, using food as source of love and comfort is NOT the problem; it is the SOLUTION to the problem. Food has become the SOLUTION to your unmet needs. And in this reality, there is no shame. We are humans and we have needs. You are not a failure for having needs. We just want to help you to find more effective ways of meeting those needs, which is something we will talk about in future seasons.

Anyhow, food can also be used as a form of disrespect. Food can be used a source of punishment and control. Food can be used as a source of fuel and a means to achieve a goal. Food can be used for fun and for creativity. Food can even be used as a status symbol or a sign of morality and/or superiority.  These are all things that we will dive into this season and in future seasons. The point is that food can be used for a lot of different things, and how we use food has a profound impact on how we relate to food… for better or for worse!

With that said, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship with food. Rather, the goal is that we build a HEALTHY relationship with food. A relationship with food that does not feel stressful and full of chaos but nourishing and full of connection instead.

WHAT DEFINES A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD?

Ultimately, a healthy relationship with food is going to contain 3 things:

• Trust
• Consistency, and
• Freedom

TRUST

Trust is the firm belief in the reliability, ability, or strength of someone or something. In terms of your relationship with food, trust revolves around your belief in yourself, your body, and the food that you are eating.  Far too many of us do not trust ourselves around food. We do not trust our bodies to properly communicate their needs and we do not trust ourselves to listen to those needs. Moreover, far too many of us believe that specific foods are inherently “bad” and will cause us to become “unhealthy” or “inadequate” for eating them.

As you can see, a LACK of trust defines many of our relationships with food. And honestly, that makes complete sense. It is COMPLETELY understandable that you do not trust yourself, your body, and/or food if you have been in a constant battle with food and your body.

Nevertheless, you CAN build trust. You CAN build a healthy relationship with food and your body. It just takes time, patience, and effort on your part. Building trust is something that we will dive into more during future seasons, but for now, know that TRUST is a defining characteristic in a healthy relationship with food.

CONSISTENCY

Ok, so next we have consistency. 

Consistency is defined as conformity in the application of something. Regarding your relationship with food, consistency refers to regular and reliable access to food, in accordance with your body’s needs. A healthy relationship with food is not chaotic, nor unreliable. It is NOT perfect either.

However, a healthy relationship with food WILL consist of predictable meals and snacks, as needed. A healthy relationship with food will consist of fulfilling, satisfying, and nourishing options. Options that help to bring pleasure and fullness. A healthy relationship with food is defined by consistent eating patterns that are sustainable and enjoyable. 

FREEDOM

Finally, a healthy relationship with food will be defined by freedom. A healthy relationship with food will NOT consist of “good” and “bad” labels, nor long lists of rules and regulations. A healthy relationship with food will NOT consist of time limits, calorie limits, nor macronutrient targets. It will not be governed by “eating windows” and “cheat days.”

Instead, a healthy relationship with food will consist of UNCONDITIONAL permission to eat. A healthy relationship with food is one where you are free to honor your hunger, satisfy your cravings, and treat your body with respect. A healthy relationship with food is one where you can make peace with all foods, eat without restriction, and see the value in food beyond calories and energy.

In this season, we will be looking at 9 different relationships with food. Each of the guest interviews will speak about their experiences with food and what tools/mindset shifts have helped to improve their relationships with food. With that said, please keep in mind that each guest is at a different stage in their relationships with food and none of these interviews are intended to be a description of what your relationship with food MUST look like. Rather these episodes are intended to show a few of the many ways in which people CAN experience food. These interviews are intended to provide a multitude of perspectives, hopefully resonating with you at some point along the way!

THE ENNEAGRAM

Ok, now let’s dive into the Enneagram and why it is relevant to our conversations about relationship with food.

For those of you who are not familiar with the Enneagram, the Enneagram is a system of nine personalities (numbered 1-9). It is a system that has been designed to help cultivate self-exploration and development. Like all systems, the Enneagram is not perfect… I mean, there is a saying that says, “all systems are wrong; some are helpful” … and the Enneagram is no different. However, what I personally love about the Enneagram is that, unlike other personality assessments, the Enneagram is dynamic; it is not static.

The point of the Enneagram is not to put you in a box. It is not to say, “oh I am X type, so therefore I behave in X way and that is just how it is.” Instead, the Enneagram is designed to help you break FREE from the boxes that you are ALREADY in. It is designed to help you create a deeper level of self-awareness and learn how to better work through and overcome conflict. In addition, the Enneagram is used in many churches because it can help you to create better relationship, including that with God. The Enneagram can become a tool to help you better understand your vices and fleshly inclinations.

The Enneagram has been a very helpful tool in my own life, and it MAY be a helpful tool for you. If not, then that’s also ok, but hopefully you enjoy listening to the 9 individuals who will be sharing their stories on the first season of the podcast.

THE BASICS

Anyhow, let’s begin by discussing the basics of the Enneagram. As previously mentioned, the Enneagram is a system of 9 interconnected personalities, divided into 3 triads, which are also known as Centers. We can access ALL 9 personalities, but we have a primary personality in which we lean towards. This is our type.

Our Type consists of a primary desire and a primary fear. It is a description of how we have learned to cope with stress/trauma and operate within the world. During times of growth, we can “integrate” into the behaviors of a different type and during times of stress, we can “disintegrate” into a different type. Regardless, we always operate from our primary type, driven by our primary fear and desire. For me as a Type 3, my primary desire is of being worthwhile and valuable, which is manifested through achievement. My primary fear is of being worthless or being seen as a failure.

These fears and desires have very much played a role in my life decisions. In fact, as we will discuss when I talk about my own story in future seasons, this desire of being seen as worthwhile or valuable has been one of the primary driving forces in most of my major life decisions and trends… And my relationship with food is no exception. For many years, food was merely another tool for achievement. But that is aside the point here. The point is that, according to the enneagram, we all have a primary fear and desire which influences our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

In addition, our personalities can be supplemented by what is known by a “wing.” Our wing(s) are the numbers on either side of our primary number. Some people tap into both wings, some preference one wing, and others lean towards neither. Essentially, our wings are a part of what balances out our personality, adding complementary (and sometimes contradictory) elements to your overall personality. This will all make sense if you look at the diagram for the Enneagram. If you Google it, you will find it!

Finally, within each type are 3 subtypes. I will not get into this now but understanding your subtype may be MORE important than understanding your wing, as your subtype will explain the way in which your personality manifests itself. Further, if you do not feel like your type accurately describes you, looking into the subtypes may help you to understand your personality better.

THE PERSONALITY TYPES

Again, the Enneagram is not meant to put you in a box. It is not meant to simply be a fun part topic, either—although it often can be. Instead, the Enneagram is meant to be used as a tool for self-development; a tool that can help you to become more aware of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. As previously mentioned, the Enneagram is also an excellent tool for understanding how you (and others) act within relationship, which is precisely why we are talking about the Enneagram here. Because we ALL have a relationship with food, our personality traits most definitely impact the ways in which we think about food, the ways in which we feel about food, and the ways in which we behave around food. Our personalities—amongst many other factors—impact the motivations, attitudes, and interactions that we have with and towards food.

This is a normal part about being human.

Now, I will not be getting into the ins and outs of each personality type on this episode, as that is something we will be covering throughout this season. However, I did want to mention the names of each type. The 9 personality types are as follows:

1. The Idealist
2. The Helper
3. The Achiever
4. The Individualist
5. The Investigator
6. The Loyalist
7. The Enthusiast
8. The Challenger, and
9. The Peacemaker

WHAT WE ARE GOING TO DO WITH ALL OF THIS INFORMATION

Which brings me to our final question… what are we going to do with all this information?

Well—the goal is to help YOU in your own journey with food and body. The goal is to help you to learn more about yourself and your relationship with food. The goal is to help you to experience food freedom. To do so, we are going to start by helping you to DEFINE your own relationship with food. Basically, over the next 9 weeks, we will be exploring each one of these personality types and discussing the many, many ways in which each specific personality type can impact one’s relationship with food. This first season is going to be much heavier on the interview side of things than future seasons, and there is a reason for that.

I mean, I could sit here and talk about my relationship with food all day. However, my relationship with food (past or present) may look NOTHING like your relationship with food. Thus, by creating space for a diversity of individuals to share their own stories, my hope is that you find yourself somewhere in the mix.

With that said, I will be asking each person approximately 8 questions, and I invite you to ask yourselves these questions. I invite you to explore your relationship with food, right alongside us because, ultimately, understanding where you are NOW can help you to better understand how to get to where you want to be TOMORROW. So, pull up a chair, hit that subscribe button, and tune back in! I am Annie Randall, this is Triad Warriors, and freedom starts here.